Everything To Say

Friday, May 29, 2009: Everything I want to say seems an impossible task. There is so much locked up inside me and not enough time, not to mention a limitless use computer, to do it with. I still miss Chiquito, my aristocratic dog, very much. And I feel yet again that a war of nerves situation has descended upon me yet again.

I wish my dog Chiquito were still alive and that when I return to Argentina, our long walks would still be possible. But that will not be. Walking by myself where we used to walk is something that I do not look forward to.

Home Ache

Wednesday, May 28, 2009: It is a deep ache, a feeling that will not go away, no matter how much I press it down and deny it. A home, a home, the kind I have always known. The kind of home that now seems to have belonged to another me, long, long ago.

Mortgage Fraud Hope

Friday, May 15, 2009: I still haven’t lost hope that the so -called professionals who got me into my GA mortgage fraud mess will be punished. I know it’s a long shot, but I I am hoping (maybe against hope) that it will actually come to pass and that justice will be done. I am just one person and maybe I don’t matter because I am not famous or rich or anything, but my experience is very important to me. it has cost me many things, including the people i thought were members of my family, among other things.

Yield Spread Premium

Thursday, April 16, 2009: I think there was something about yield spread premium in my mortgage when I bought the GA condo. From what I understand this is yield spread premium is predatory lending. No wonder I lost my condo!

Falls

It gets so complicated! It gets to be so difficult. Just when I need a solution, it seems that the solution is way out of my reach. And I am worried about my falls. I can pretend and lie to myself for a while, but the falls—they tell the truth.

Lauchita’s Birthday

Saturday, April 4, 2009: March 29th marked Lauchita’s birthday. I really don’t know when she was born, but she came to live with Rubio and me on Thursday, March 29th, 2006. As far as I am concerned, March 29th is her real birthday. Lauchita has been a treasure. She sleeps with me and gives me everything a pet owner could possibly hope for. Now that Rubio and Chiquito are in Doggie Heaven, Lauchita is It for me. The best cat ever.

Charity

Thursday, April 2, 2009: I have noticed that people, in their well-meaning way. say thingsthat they do not mean to a person who is clearly in need. It is not their intention to mislead or deceive, but the harm is done all the same. Ever since I have had the unfortunate experience of being homeless due to the mortgage fraud/foreclosure fiasco. I have been aware of this. I get my hopes up thinking something like: Maybe this time there’ll be light at the end of the tunnel only to seethe same old darkness. The only difference is that this time I am more tired and exhausted andanother day has gone by without what I need so badly.

The Bathroom in Brooklyn

This morning, like most every other morning, I stood behind the door of the studio loft. I wanted to use the bathroom, but it was occupied. The Italian woman was washing herself; I didn’t have to see her to know it. 9;30 to 10 A.M. is her time. Unfortunately it’s also the time I need to go in there. I stayed behind the door. And when I heard her open the bathroom and her feet made their usual noise back to her space, I hurriedly opened my door and rushed to the bathroom.

Exhaustion

Saturday, March 14, 2009: My tiredness is so strong that I can hardly eat at night. I force myself to open my mouth and take a little bit of food. It wasn’t like this before last year. I had so much energy then! I felt strong and healthy and raring to go.

The events in my life during 2008 have been way too much. I have done my best, but they are stronger than I am, stronger than I was.

Half Hour Home

Friday, March 13, 2009: I took a shower, a nice warm shower, and after I dried myself, I hang around the small apt. It was like in the old days, when I had a home. My white T-shirt felt comfortable. As I walked around the living room in my bare feet, I thought: Why have things changed so much for me? Where is the life I used to lead? It’s been like this for almost 7 years, way too long. Nobody likes reduced circumstances. They are no fun. Demeaning is the right word to describe them.

I forced myself to leave. No, it wasn’t my real home. I was only there for the shower.