Saturday, June 28, 2008: I have accidentally felt and been an eavesdropper. But that has been the only way I have had to find out things about my own family of origin.
Archive for June, 2008
Saturday, June 28, 2008: With me, feeling homeless has to do with a physical place to live in, but more importantly, it has to do with the heart. I feel homeless emotionally, like there is no one out there who thinks about my interests, what’s best for me. And I feel homeless because I have bounced around from place to place for far too long. I have not found that anchor again after losing it many years ago.
Thursday, June 26, 2008: The priest in my novel Different Flags had sex appeal to spare. There was no man who was more attractive to women. That is one thing I will always remember about him. That and the way he made me feel. I was alive. I existed.
Thursday, June 26, 2008: I feel more and more as if I were standing on the edge of some horrible precipice. Something or someone is forcing me to jump off and I don’t know what to do to stop myself from doing something I don’t want to do.
I want to live, that’s what I want to tell somebody, anybody. But nobody hears me.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008: If anybody can offer me an apt. in Manhattan in exchange for work, please let me know. I have a small cat.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008: After the Jersey fiasco, I wound up in Queens. This is another temporary situation, for a week or so, but at least I have a room over my head and so does Lauchita. She was very stressed out in Jersey. I had to keep her zipped up in her carrier and she was crying all the time, poor little thing. Now she’s free to roam the rooms and just be herself.
June 22, 2008 I have thought a lot about the brick stile belonging to the corner house on my sister’s block in Norfolk, VA. It used to comfort me when I was in Norfolk,and it still comforts me in Jersey. I would come back to the Larchmont neighborhood al full of bags and sitting on the stile made me feel better. I would look at the garden belonging to the house, with the grass so very green, smell the jazmines and I was transported to a place that had no bad problems.
June 22, 2008 For a long time now, I have been living on the brink of homelessness, actual homelessness. I have imagined myself roaming the streets with my little cat in her carrier. After my Jersey experience, things are looking as bleak as ever. Jersey was an attempt, a tryout.Did not work out.
Saturday, June 21, 2008 The big man, tall and bulky called me an asshole. He said I had left the light on in his shed in Jersey. I did no such thing. Johnsaid that next time he was going to hit me. I told him I was going to cal the cops
June 21, 2008 Another sacrifice getting out of Norfolk, VA. A really big one. And sharing the new Jersey house with a person who is not altogether up there is not helpful at all. She sees me as a threat and she picks fights. Besides, she’s not grateful. Today I treated her to breakfast, which I didn’t have to do. Later in the day, she bought a pizza and would not share. Reminders of dear old Alex in VA.