Archive for January, 2016

Seeing You

January 31, 2016

Seeing You

I see them, those dogs running around behind the glass windows. I take their picture. I go back and take more pictures. It is you—it is you I am after. They are like you and I want a memory of them. It hurts me. I cannot live with them; I cannot live with them either. That is not possible. You are no longer part of this Earth.

Care

January 20, 2016

Care

Why? Why should I care if you get cold in this weather? Why should I care if you hide under somewhere dangerous or a wild animal destroys you during one of your outings? I don’t know. I want to protect you. Something in me could be similar to something in you. You are a risk taker; I am one too. You skirt danger, but you value good food and a roof over your head. You want to see what’s out there, how far you can go. You are a test your limits sort of guy. You and I have lived on the edge. We are hardy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DON’T

January 17, 2016

Don’t

Please. PLEASE Don’t. I beg you. Don’t kill me. Don’t harm me. I want to live. I really want to live. I may not look like much, but I have feelings. I am alive. There are so many things I want to do. I am a sentient being. I notice things. I see what you do and when. I know why you do things. I want to live! I can’t repeat this often enough. I need another chance, more time here on Earth. When I get tired of living, I’ll let you know. For now, life matters to me. My life matters.

 

Didn’t

January 14, 2016

Didn’t

You were it. You were the one I couldn’t have anymore, the one who couldn’t belong to me. We did it! We belonged to one another; we were friends, often more than friends. Somehow we got around all the rules. We enjoyed. You took care of me and I took care of you. I look at the reminders of you. We are together again. We are together forever.

I Love You

January 13, 2016

I Love You

 

I love you, I wanted to shout. My heart has kept this secret more or less under control for months and months. I loved you the minute I saw you. There will never be anyone else. I came here today to tell you. You didn’t want to hear it. If you could you would have told me it was best for you not to see me or the feelings so plainly written on my face. You are not free. I am well aware of that fact. I don’t expect anything from you. I never expected anything from you. You have no idea how scared I was before I walked into the parish office. I would have gone back to the house. I would have run the other way. That would have been cowardly and not worthy of the love inside me. I made my legs go towards the door; I made my hand knock not once but twice. I am so glad I did it. I faced you. I was honest. My hand opened the door for me to go outside, to the hot summer day. I stood on the curb and shivered. My shoulders made an up and down movement. I will never regret those brief moments alone with you.

 

 

 

 

Caretaker

January 11, 2016

Caretaker

 

I have taken care of her all her life. I have been there for my mother. My youth—I have lost that forever. My mother has always been ill. If it wasn’t one thing, it was another. Her headaches, her migraines made us stay up all night. Later it was memories of her mother and her struggles as a single parent. I was afraid to hug my mother. She would take that as a sign of weakness, weakness on her part.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Dog, Just a Dog

January 11, 2016

 

I miss my dog. He’s dead; he’s been dead for the past 9 years. I miss him as if he had gone yesterday. I don’t know how I have stood all these years without him. I remember our walks. The last months of his life were difficult and our walks reflected that. He couldn’t walk the way he had when he was well. They were jerky, often nervous walks. I wanted to make them less stressful for him, but I couldn’t. I would bend down and pet him, as if to reassure him that things would get better. He’d look up at me knowing they wouldn’t. Our small home was the only safe place for us. The streets had dangers and unfeeling people.

Best

January 9, 2016

Best

I did it. I did my best. Another anniversary of your parting came and I pretended it wasn’t true. I made myself believe that it wasn’t so. You are still alive, I said to myself. You are not dead. The pain in my heart isn’t real. I am not feeling it. This afternoon I will take you for a walk, one of our longer ones and then I’ll feed you. You’ll stay by my chair when I am at the computer. You’ll be patient and wait until I’m done. Later tonight we’ll go out again and once back in our small apt. we’ll be the best companions to each other. We’re lifelong friends.

How?

January 7, 2016

How?

How can I forget you? You were my life. I would have done anything for you, just like you would have done anything for me. You did trick me and that was not nice. I thought you’d live forever. That wasn’t so. When you left me almost 9 years ago, the world might as well have ended. But something about you, memories of you, kept me going. I need no reminders to be aware of what you and I meant to each other. The reminders appear in my life very often. I welcome them because I can’t welcome you back to Earth. To me, you are eternal.

 

The Sign

January 7, 2016

The Sign

The long black blanket draped her body. She sat down in one of the few remaining seats. A sign hang from her neck. “I am homeless. Please help.” She took out a small wad of bills, all singles. The people around her looked the other way. The subway made one of its first stops in Brooklyn. The woman got out and sat on top of something.