Archive for July, 2016

Lost

July 25, 2016

Lost

I lost. I lost you, my little one. You are doing well. I have seen pictures to prove that. You lead a good life, but I don’t see you. I have no life with you anymore. This hurts me more than anything I have experienced these last years—not having you has cost me more than money, more than sleepless nights. You’re gone and I will never get you back. Sometimes living on memories is not an option.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Pull

July 25, 2016

Pull

He stood as near the door as he could. His left hand held on to the suitcase while the right took care of the duffel bag. It wanted to fall on the floor. There were many other passengers in the subway car. The train stopped. First he pushed the suitcase, and kicked it forward with his foot. Then his hand grabbed the duffel. It must have been heavier than he thought. He winced, then held it again before rushing out the open door.

 

 

Out

July 25, 2016

Out

Yes, out. That’s right. I need an out. I need to push myself out of the quandary, out of the situation. It is hard, often extremely hard. I can express my feelings now because I am calmer, but when I was in the thick of things, I couldn’t think straight. I sincerely couldn’t. I see, I look around me and I can’t believe what I see. It is chaos. It is living in some nowhere place.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Grey

July 15, 2016

Grey

She felt the grey. She tasted the grey. It was hard and bitter and it tasted like winter. The winter in her mouth was windy, very windy, and it pushed her around. It got her to places she didn’t like, places she didn’t belong in. She dreamed of summer, of happy summers where she could run free and be herself. In the bleak winter, she had to watch her back. She couldn’t trust anybody.

 

BigDeal

July 14, 2016

Big Deal

She knocked on the door, her hand on her mouth. “Please come out. I need to use the bathroom.” Behind the door she could hear a young voice humming a tune. More minutes passed. The door remained closed. She sat down and put her soap and towel next to her on the chair. A woman walked from the kitchen to the bathroom door. ”Come out of there. She needs to use the bathroom.” The young girl yelled something. The door of one of the bedrooms opened. A middle-aged man with a paunch asked: “What is going on here?” The woman who had been in the kitchen explained the situation. “The lady here needs to get in the bathroom. She’s not feeling well.” The man shrugged. “What do you want me to do about it? I can’t drag her out by the hair.” “Please,’’ the boarder’s voice was weak.” I almost fainted on the subway. I just want to take a short shower and go to bed.” The man shrugged again and knocked on the door. “Come out, Madeleine. She’s making a big deal out of you being in there.” I am making a big deal? The boarder thought. ”This man lives here without paying rent. Thanks to me, he can do that. I pay rent.” After more minutes, the door finally opened. “This is your house, Madeline,” the man told his girlfriend daughter. “You can do what you want here.”

 

 

 

 

 

How

July 5, 2016

The days when we were together are gone.You were my secret treasure. I could not not love you. I could not want to be with you. Being with you saved me. I looked at you and my unfortunate circumstances disappeared as if by magic. I would have risked anything for you. I woke up in the morning with a purpose. You were my goal.

No!

July 2, 2016

The water was hot. She washed the dishes as fast as she could. I want to listen to what the guy on TV is saying. Foreclosure. I hate that word. But I want to know more. I need to know more, what happened to other people. The water was too hot. She turned it off. No point in ruining my hands. The experience ruined me years ago. An elderly woman’s voice was telling the reporter how she had to stay at a shelter after she was evicted from her home. Suddenly I had no money, no savings. I had nothing. The dishwasher let it out. Tears ran down her cheeks. No! No! She couldn’t stop crying. Damn it! That’s also my story.