Archive for July, 2017

Here

July 28, 2017

Here

I have a home. I think I have a home. I don’t know if I have a home. Which is it? I don’t know. In the meantime, I arrange things. I arrange my belongings in the closet; I arrange my belongings in the kitchen cabinets and in the drawers under the mattress. I arrange. Everything is in order. Everything looks cozy and warm. I feel safe—for the time being. This is permanent. I step back and look at it as if it were a painting in a museum. It is stable. I don’t believe that anybody or anything can make me leave the apt. If I can stay, there won’t be any more of me falling from a seat with my head striking the sidewalk. Those days are past. Those days are gone.

 

 

 

 

Day Old

July 26, 2017

Day Old

She squeezed all the breads. Some were hard, some were almost soft. 25% off, baked yesterday, the sign said. The hard breads she didn’t look at again. She’d have to go to the dentist if she tried to eat a slice. She smiled at the soft breads. I won’t feel too poor if I buy this one.  How many times have I had to pretend the thing I really wanted to buy was not there? It was too expensive; paying full price is something I can’t do anymore. I’ve had to cross the street in search of a bargain. I’ve done it too many times—there have been too many times of scrimping and saving. How tired am I of this! Will this go on forever?

 

 

 

Angry

July 10, 2017

Angry

You are angry. I am angry. You have your reasons to feel the way you feel; I have reasons to feel my pain. You should not have done and said what you did; I should not have reacted the way I did. But it’s done. Neither one of us want to be the first to apologize.  The days of using an old VCR rewinding tape are long gone. Now I understand how much I care about you. Before we parted, I knew I cared, but now the feeling is sharper, more intense than I thought it would be. Years ago, I never thought I would have this emotion again. I am bewildered and baffled by its bad timing. And you are totally wrong for me. Who will be with you at the end? Who will hold your hand when you are about to go forever? I wanted to be that person. I was there for you so many times! Right now I don’t think I will be able to say the final good-bye. I hate to think of you with strangers then. It hurts my soul.

 

 

Invisible

July 1, 2017

Invisible

I sit. I sit long and hard. Time goes by almost without my knowledge. I get caught up in what I am doing and I forget. I forget who and what I am. Hours go by. I am sitting. I still do what I love best. Being invisible this time is fine. It is totally fine.