Archive for the ‘Family Life’ Category

The Push

October 12, 2017

The Push

You just threw the house keys on the floor. Here, you said. I’m done. You slammed the door behind you. What pushes you? What pushes you to use words that can only hurt the one closest to you, the people who stand by you? What has made you bitter, bitter enough to lash out, to get the unseen sword from its not-so secret hiding place? What need is there in you to criticize, to find the bad and not the good in people? I try hard to understand, to get to the bottom of it all. I am baffled.

 

 

 

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Nasty Neighbor

October 5, 2017

Nasty

There was a knock on the door, a heavy knock. The woman opened the door. She saw a bleached blonde standing before her. Oh, yes, the neighbor from the second floor, she thought. The blonde’s face was angry; her wrinkles were prominent. Do you know that your cat meows during the night? Is he feral? Feral? Of course, he isn’t feral. He’s a stray I am fostering. You’re not fostering him. He hasn’t even seen a vet. Yes, he has seen a vet, the woman behind the door said. Then why is he meowing. That’s what cats do. You bitch! I am going to call the ASPCA. I’m going to have you kicked out. Don’t call the ASPCA. On second thought call them. I’m helping the cat. The woman on the inside of the door shrugged her shoulders. Enough! I am tired of these people. If it’s not one, it’s another. Unsafe—now I feel more unsafe about housing than ever. It’s like I can never be home. I can never have my little sure thing space somewhere, anywhere.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Found and Lost

September 20, 2017

Found and Lost

I will find you. I have no idea how, but I will find you. Where and/or when is not up to me. I will see you again. I gave you up. It was a foolish decision. I gave you up, you with the restless feet and you with the cute black and white pirate like head. I was scared, temporarily scared. It was that guy, that evil guy in the rooming house. It was him and his fat woman helper. The guy was mean, the one with the beady eyes. The woman was just like him, maybe even worse. Both of them were bad news from top to bottom. I can’t stop thinking about you. I think about you all the time. I am not scared anymore. You will be with me again.

 

 

Liquor

September 7, 2017

That’s it. It’s the liquor. The liquor that helps me be alive. I feel when I pour the liquid down my throat. I live then. I love my cans, all the lovely cans spread out before me. They are lovely. I am wanted. Life wants me.

The Stooge

August 17, 2017

The Stooge

That’s me. I’m your stooge. I’m the dummy you turn to when there is no one else, when all the others have gone away. I love you. My eyes see you as you truly are. In your good moments you make me laugh or smile. I look at you and I wonder what happened to your life. Why is it the way it is, all messed up like a kitchen with too many dishes to be washed? Why do you depend on what harms you? A person with your intelligence and street savvy shouldn’t be living like this, down and out and nowhere. Back to where you were, to how you were. There must be a way to get yourself up so that you can stay up and never dump yourself down again.

 

Think

August 11, 2017

Think

It is a defense mechanism. Today is another anniversary of the day I lost you. I think, I remember, but then I stop. I don’t want to know. I don’t want it visible, for my heart to stare at. You will never be again. Your little head won’t be next to mine when I wake up in the morning. My hands will not caress your little body. I will see you with my mind and with my memories. There are so many memories of you and me together, being a little family!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Up

August 11, 2017

Up

Do you think it was easy? Do you think I gave you up on a whim, because I had nothing better to do? Or that I called somebody and told them to take you because I was tired of you and I didn’t want you anymore? I never would have said: He’s yours now, do what you want with him. I had such a hard time saying goodbye. I didn’t want to do it, but your health came first. Your life came first. You had to get well; you had to get alive again. My sacrifice was worth the pain.

Clothes

August 10, 2017

Clothes

I had to do it. Your clothes, the ones you left behind. I couldn’t bear to have the bags full of your clothes staring at me. I had to put everything away. The memories of you were and are still raw, as if you had just walked out the door. Now they, your belongings, will be gone. I won’t have anything except in my heart and mind to remind me of you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Daydream

August 2, 2017

The Daydream

I daydream. I daydream you come back to me. I daydream you still love me and that you care what happens to me. My daydream is a lie. The lie sometimes takes away the pain of missing you. It’s been a long time. My heart believes you left yesterday or today. I want you. I will be missing you forever.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here

July 28, 2017

Here

I have a home. I think I have a home. I don’t know if I have a home. Which is it? I don’t know. In the meantime, I arrange things. I arrange my belongings in the closet; I arrange my belongings in the kitchen cabinets and in the drawers under the mattress. I arrange. Everything is in order. Everything looks cozy and warm. I feel safe—for the time being. This is permanent. I step back and look at it as if it were a painting in a museum. It is stable. I don’t believe that anybody or anything can make me leave the apt. If I can stay, there won’t be any more of me falling from a seat with my head striking the sidewalk. Those days are past. Those days are gone.