Archive for the ‘Family Life’ Category

Think

August 11, 2017

Think

It is a defense mechanism. Today is another anniversary of the day I lost you. I think, I remember, but then I stop. I don’t want to know. I don’t want it visible, for my heart to stare at. You will never be again. Your little head won’t be next to mine when I wake up in the morning. My hands will not caress your little body. I will see you with my mind and with my memories. There are so many memories of you and me together, being a little family!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Up

August 11, 2017

Up

Do you think it was easy? Do you think I gave you up on a whim, because I had nothing better to do? Or that I called somebody and told them to take you because I was tired of you and I didn’t want you anymore? I never would have said: He’s yours now, do what you want with him. I had such a hard time saying goodbye. I didn’t want to do it, but your health came first. Your life came first. You had to get well; you had to get alive again. My sacrifice was worth the pain.

Clothes

August 10, 2017

Clothes

I had to do it. Your clothes, the ones you left behind. I couldn’t bear to have the bags full of your clothes staring at me. I had to put everything away. The memories of you were and are still raw, as if you had just walked out the door. Now they, your belongings, will be gone. I won’t have anything except in my heart and mind to remind me of you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Daydream

August 2, 2017

The Daydream

I daydream. I daydream you come back to me. I daydream you still love me and that you care what happens to me. My daydream is a lie. The lie sometimes takes away the pain of missing you. It’s been a long time. My heart believes you left yesterday or today. I want you. I will be missing you forever.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here

July 28, 2017

Here

I have a home. I think I have a home. I don’t know if I have a home. Which is it? I don’t know. In the meantime, I arrange things. I arrange my belongings in the closet; I arrange my belongings in the kitchen cabinets and in the drawers under the mattress. I arrange. Everything is in order. Everything looks cozy and warm. I feel safe—for the time being. This is permanent. I step back and look at it as if it were a painting in a museum. It is stable. I don’t believe that anybody or anything can make me leave the apt. If I can stay, there won’t be any more of me falling from a seat with my head striking the sidewalk. Those days are past. Those days are gone.

 

 

 

 

Angry

July 10, 2017

Angry

You are angry. I am angry. You have your reasons to feel the way you feel; I have reasons to feel my pain. You should not have done and said what you did; I should not have reacted the way I did. But it’s done. Neither one of us want to be the first to apologize.  The days of using an old VCR rewinding tape are long gone. Now I understand how much I care about you. Before we parted, I knew I cared, but now the feeling is sharper, more intense than I thought it would be. Years ago, I never thought I would have this emotion again. I am bewildered and baffled by its bad timing. And you are totally wrong for me. Who will be with you at the end? Who will hold your hand when you are about to go forever? I wanted to be that person. I was there for you so many times! Right now I don’t think I will be able to say the final good-bye. I hate to think of you with strangers then. It hurts my soul.

 

 

Around

June 29, 2017

Around

You are not around, but you are in spite of my wishes. I don’t want to be where you were, where we used to be. It hurts. It hurts too much. I am reminded of other losses, other emotional pains. I cry. The tears just come down my face. I am bewildered. I am surprised. How could this have happened? I never wished for it. I never wanted to feel deeply again

The Brush

June 24, 2017

At first I didn’t feel it. Something touched me gently. It brushed up against me like a tender caress. I looked down. It was you–or the image of you. It was almost as if you had come back for me. My smile was genuine; it lit up my eyes. I said your name out loud. Oh, my dear! How much I have missed you! I care. I care deeply. If you had believed it, maybe you never would have left.

What?

June 13, 2017

What?

What have I done? How have I hurt you? You won’t tell me? You’d rather keep it a secret? You hurt me; you are a man, and I can’t expect you to admit it. Your pride would take a hit if you were honest with yourself.  The pain I feel over the loss of you will go away. Eventually I will feel nothing as opposed to now. Now I feel everything and it is a sharp feeling. It is so strong that it scares me. I don’t like my tears. I don’t know what to do with them. They are not going away anytime soon.

 

 

It

May 30, 2017

It

It is over. We are done. You and I are last week’s news, maybe even last month’s. It was intense, it was fun and it was wonderful in parts. I learned a lot. I cared again. I didn’t think it would happen but I did care. It was real; it was authentic. You were authentic. You showed yourself to me as you are. I liked that. I appreciate it very much. I related to you and what was going on in your life. We had that much in common. My experience was, in many ways, your experience. My pain is raw. It just started. Who knows when it will end. For whatever it’s worth, I am glad we met.