Archive for the ‘my health’ Category

Yawn

October 28, 2016

Yawn

Yawn. I want to go. Tune out. I want to tune out. I want to choose another channel, a channel without pain and worry and despair. The weather here, with all the harsh wind blowing, is like my situation. I will close my eyes. Maybe that will help. I doubt it will do much. But maybe for a tiny bit I do not have to think about anything. I do not want to think. Thinking about the situation makes me want to vomit.

 

 

The Punk

September 3, 2016

You are disgusting. The entire situation is disgusting. We are standing a few feet away from each and you are harassing me. You say that my cat has scratched a piece of furniture. If you care about that piece of furniture so much, buy something and spray on it so that no cat will go near it. There are 4 cats in the house, cats that you don’t take care of. You tell me that I must be homeless to rent a room in your illegal rooming g house. You know nothing about me. You and your undocumented stepfather (the one who has harassed me in the past) have done me enough harm. According to you, I am a bad person because I care about animals and about things that you don’t care about. No, you lie. My cat has never pooped on that piece of furniture. You are threatening too evict me when you are running a business that you shouldn’t be running. I have proof that I pay to live in this apt. You are beyond belief and you think you can get away with meanness and ugly behavior.

The Bugs

June 17, 2015

Bugs

B-U-G-S. It is bugs. I am living with bugs. They are on the bed, on the sheets and they attack my arm, my leg, even my hair. She spelled out the word. The woman at the other end could not understand her at first. Take your time, she told her.  This is stressful. It is very stressful. She had been stressed many times in the last few years. Her mind and soul told her that she had had enough. She had enough of being impoverished, enough of putting up with this and that and the other thing and the next other thing. She did not know until when this would last. What was it? What was wrong that she had tried so hard and nothing had worked? Nothing had worked to improve her life. Now the bugs were in the way. They were another obstacle.

 

Worse

November 4, 2012

Worse

 

The tension. The feeling is inside me. It is just beneath the surface. I try. I try not to show it. Remaining calm is best, someone said a long time ago. I don’t want to explode. I don’t want this to explode me, as if I were a bomb. The coldness of the streets stops me. That’s the only thing holding me in a place, in a situation that has turned abusive. Too abusive for my taste. Too abusive to shrug off and pretend it does not exist.

 

 

 

A Place to Live

November 3, 2012

Impossible to find. Impossible to live without a place to live. My mind is bewildered. It is going here, going there, all the time attempting a solution. I don’t know. And time is running out fast. It is impossible to live with a person who resents you and dislikes you. A totally hostile person. Where to go on such short notice? What to do?

Kindness and its High Price

October 9, 2012

Kindness and Its High Price

I have found through the experiences I have had here in the United States these past 4 years and almost 10 months, that kindness has a terrible price. I have had to pay but not in dollars and cents for wanting to relocate to my adopted country. I love the U.S. and will be very sad to leave it. Right now I feel like I am auto deporting myself, though I am a dual national. The person I thought I could trust is not to be trusted. I am sometimes afraid of him, of what he might say, what other actions he might take against me. I wanted to leave a long, long time ago, but to go back outside where it is cold did not appeal to me. Now I have to go back out anyway and that is another thing that scares me—me who do not scare easily. The person’s initial kindness has turned into something else.

 

 

Trash

September 20, 2012

Trash
Any time of the day or night. Someone goes by a trash can on the street. She sees something interesting, sometimes it’s food, sometimes it’s a newspaper, other times it’s a book. She puts her hand in and takes it out. Yes, I’ll take it. I can use this. I never used to do this before, but I need to spend as little as possible. Life is different now. I just don’t have it. Now I have this.

Cockroach Story

September 20, 2012

Cockroach Story

The kitchen table has a couple of visitors. Two medium sized bugs walk by the breakfast plate. Goody, goody! The sunny side up eggs look yummy. The cockroaches play with the egg yolks first, then the egg whites. A person opens the fridge door. Two more roaches. These are on one of the lower shelves. The person takes a piece of paper. The roaches are smart. They hide on one of the upper shelves. The bathroom is their next stop. There are a couple of bugs on the shower curtain, two more on the tiles. The pet food bowel gets attacked next. After that, it’s the pet’s water bowls. They go in the water. Apparently, the cockroaches were raised near an ocean or another body of water.

 

Count the Days

July 27, 2012

Count the Days

Yes, I am counting them: 9, 8, 7, 6—until I get to zero. The days rush by and there is no time to think. There is no time to rest my head and think. I can hardly breathe. Another deadline is upon me. Another housing deadline. What to do. Just what am I supposed to do? Action against me. Some action will be taken against me. I am in despair. It is many years ago all over again when another person went through a similar experience. She didn’t make it.

 

 

 

 

Walk

July 5, 2012

I walk. I walk miles and miles so I won’t have to think. Looking in beautiful homes, imagining myself being the owner of one or two of these mansions distracts me. It eases my soul. I am not in pain.