Knowledge

I knew. I don’t know when it began but if you were coming near me, my body as well as my heart told me. I didn’t have to see you.My body felt you. For the first time in my life, I was aware that I had more than a soul, more than a mind. I was a woman; I loved the feeling. loved you. You were the feeling.

I Love You

I Love You

You have haunted me all these years. I am ashamed to think how many—over 30 years at least. Your face, your voice; the stolen hours we had together. They mean more than my life to me. You were the hope, the hope of a better life. I was so in love and I couldn’t wait to tell you so. I had to tell you and nothing was going to stop me from doing it. I was young and very pretty then. I was ripe for you. You made me feel. You made me see what passion was. That passion came and after you left it never returned.

 

All

All–as in a dream, I saw it all. It was as clear as if the years had suddenly faded away. The sunlight seemed to caress the entire church. I saw  the wooden benches, the tile floor and the rectangular windows. The statue of the virgin was newly polished and up by the altar, the white linen cloth looked like it had been washed and ironed that morning. He came through the sacristy door and sat on one of the benches nearest the altar. I saw him from my place by the exit doors. I couldn’t move. My heart wouldn’t stop beating hard. I wanted to be where he was. I had to be where he was.

No Longer

No Longer

 

The secret—the secret was too much for me. I couldn’t keep it any longer. I couldn’t hide it anywhere. It was in me, a large part of my life, for a long time. Something told me to go out and look for you. Now I am free. I went and said it. I stood in front of you and all the clumsy words came out. I love you. I am yours and yours alone. There is no one else. There can never be anyone else. My heart is very old-fashioned that way. I wanted you from the moment I met you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Obscure published Novel

Heart and Soul

It is my heart. It is my soul, my best and truest soul. Every word, every sentence in it has my dreams, my hopes, my inner being. It is me. It is the person that I was. It is the naïve and believing young woman of years long gone. It is the young woman that life had not made hard and often bitter. My heart and soul are in an obscure novel, a published novel no one has ever heard of. Its title is Different Flags. The place and the two people that I loved and have never forgotten are in that book. They will always live even though they are no longer alive.

 

 

Cannot

Cannot

I cannot touch you. I cannot kiss you. I want to touch you. I want to kiss you. No matter how near you are, you are unreachable. There is a Stay Away invisible sign all around you. Your skin is forbidden to me. I dare not get close to it. It is too tempting. If I got close, I would get used to all of you. I would lose myself in passion.

 

 

The Name

I learned it. I repeated it over and over again. There was no way of getting enough of it. His name was like a drug I had to have or else I would explode. It was the only name that existed, that had ever existed. Walking down the street, going to buy groceries, watching TV somehow I would hear it and everything stopped. My body sensed an electric shock. I loved that man. I loved knowing he was near me, that I could see him anytime I wanted to. He belonged to me. He belonged to my heart.

 

Supposed

Supposed

This isn’t happening. It is not supposed to happen. You and I are standing by ourselves within 2 or 3 feet from one another. We don’t dare to get close. We feel, but we shouldn’t feel. I don’t dare walk to where you are. I could pretend that I need to ask you something, but if I do, my eyes would tell you things you don’t want to know. There is no one. You are the dream of my life. There is no other.

 

 

 

 

 

Life

Life

The ink for the printer, the paper to print out the book, the time spent writing it, the time slaving over the computer, writing with the finger of one hand. It was my life. The book was my life. It still is. The passion could be heard in of. She had said these things many times before. She had spoken with deep emotion in her voice. She cared. She would always care, even after she was dead. The experience which led to the writing of my novel changed my life forever. I have written other things about subjects that were meaningful to me, but nothing is as important as telling the story of a young woman discovering herself on a desperate journey far away, to a country that she left long ago. She is a stranger in that country. She’s lived elsewhere, with different people, different habits. But in this other country, she feels again. She is alive as she has never been alive. She feels young. She stops dressing like an old lady. The young woman falls in love with someone she thinks she can’t have. The man in question is a priest. Priests can’t be lovers, boyfriends or husbands.

Curious

Curious

I don’t remember; it is blurry and not clear. I can’t see your face in my mind anymore. It’s gone. But the feelings, those will remain in me forever. The way my legs would hurry as I walked towards you, how my heart would pound when I looked at you; the redness in my face if you happened to glance at me. These memories have faces. They have skin and bones. It is my heart. My heart has been so stubborn all these years. I met you; nothing was what it had been. I had no map, no way to discern what I was experiencing, not at first. Sometime later I pieced it all together and I knew. Something in you responded to something in me. You were it.