Down

July 22, 2014

What was she doing here in this hot weather? The day was hot and humid, yet going in and out of the subway would have been too expensive. Her chin hit the sidewalk. It happened almost without her realizing it. One minute she was up and the next down. Her whole body hurt but the chin got the worst of it. he hoped someone in the street full of people would offer to help her up. No one did. he struggled up again as best she could, picking up her purse. She shook her head and on she went. The day was too bright to think about heartlessness.

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Many Things

January 21, 2018

Many Things
I have done many things. I have been to many places, seen things I wished I hadn’t and things I wish I could have kept forever. I have been good but I also have been normal. I am flesh and blood; I feel deeply. That has often been my downfall. I care and when I care I care too much. I want to keep those I love forever. It isn’t often possible and when they’re gone, I can’t understand why. I don’t know where to turn, who to seek. My heart wanders in the deep snow of a New York winter. I am done when I cry. I fall apart.

The Tea

January 14, 2018

The Tea

By the kitchen counter—she sits next to the kitchen counter. It is warm there. The steaming cup of tea helps her forget the wind outside and the cold numbing her not young anymore hands. It is one of the best times she’s ever had—with a book, her animal companions and the tea. Harsh life is gone for a few minutes; pinching pennies and not having enough money—none of that exists. The tea works its magic. She is a young and lovely woman again. She is her real self.

 

Your Strawberries

January 10, 2018

Strawberries

I remember everything about that morning—the morning of your death. You loved strawberries but I couldn’t give you any. You used to look up at me when I ate strawberries and you would have stolen one or two if I had let you. I remember the man taking you up and putting you on his shoulder. They had just given you something, a sedative, so you wouldn’t feel anything. I remember the man placing you beside him in the dog pound van. I followed you in a taxi because I was not allowed in the van with you and the man. The taxi driver was a rough and tumble kind of guy, not the person I could confide in. He would not have understood how unhappy I was and that losing you was the last thing I wanted. I saw you on the floor of the dog pound when they gave you first one, then 2 injections to make you die. I did not want you to die, but you were so ill! You would not have lasted much longer. You would have been an unhappy German shepherd with no working legs. Our walks would have been a thing of the past. I have never forgotten you. I can never forget you. I know you have all the strawberries you want up in Dog Heaven.

 

Don’t Know

January 10, 2018

Don’t Know

You don’t. You don’t know. It is insecurity—it is more than insecurity, more than looking up in the dark at the lights shining inside an apt. or house. It is being hurt over and over again and not knowing what will happen next. It is expecting the worst from life in spite of all the good wishes of this or that person. Homelessness—homelessness does that to a person. It rips the person apart, makes the person feel devastated and terribly alone in a snowstorm.

 

 

Last

January 8, 2018

Last

He spent his last days in a small apt. His skin had developed bed sores. He could barely move. He had difficulty lifting his head. The weather was extreme that year, with high temperatures breaking records. Someone had to go to his small space by the wooden wall and ask him if he needed anything. His eyes would look at the person. He could not even bark. That last evening he got the meal he loved most—steak, potatoes and his favorite sweet stick. He slept until they came for him. A large man wrapped him up in a huge towel and carried down to where the truck to the vet’s office was. His owner was with him until the end.

 

 

Somebody

January 8, 2018

Somebody

She had once been a great woman. People had loved her. They had respected her. Her hats and stylish outfits were copied by all the women of her acquaintance. She walked with her head held high. Her jewels came from the finest stores—Tiffany & Co., Bulgari and Cartier. She knew how to talk to people. She knew how to listen to their problems, often forgetting that she had problems of her own.

She only wore makeup because it was expected of a woman in her position. Her brown eyes, big and expressive were her best feature.  Her skin had no blemishes. She had come up the hard way, starting at the very bottom. If I can do it, she used to tell her women friends, you can too. Look at me! Look at what I got! High society men ask me out on dates.

In her later years, no one would have guessed her splendid past. The sadness in her eyes aged her by more than 10 years. She coped by staying home as much as possible. Her friends had stopped trying to reach her a long time ago. She walked her dogs twice a day; otherwise she stayed in her safety zone.

 

 

 

 

 

Dog Love

January 1, 2018

He was my dog and I loved him. I love him. He was a big guy, about 80 pounds and his fur was blond and black. He has haunted me for 11 years. There has almost not been another dog as important to me as him, my German shepherd. True to his breed, he was loyal, strong and protective. Once he was betrayed by someone but he never found out that they didn’t want him anymore. One early morning, he led me by the leash to the house. We got there at 5. Everything was still dark. Their car was parked by the curb. He bent over to sniff the tires, the doors, everything. Then he walked to the front door of the house. He stood before it,  as if expecting someone to come out and greet him. The window of the house had white curtains. He stood and tried to look inside. His nose took in the fragrance of what had once been his space, his refuge. I looked down at him. Come, baby, let’s go. They are probably on vacation. We can come back some other time. His brown eyes looked at me; he nodded. I pulled on his leash gently and we walked back to where we lived.

Forget Never

December 22, 2017

Forget

No, I cannot forget. This is such an important day. You were born on this date many years ago. I loved you. I understood you even though it was often hard to do so. I learned about your hard life as a child. I learned that you had had to put up with countless things. I imagined how it must have been for you, a young woman alone in the world of the 1940s. It is all over. You are safe with the person you loved and missed for over 50 years. You are with her in Heaven.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you Only Knew

December 22, 2017

If You Only Knew

You don’t know, do you? You don’t want to know. I’ve been with you through thick and thin. I’ve seen you at your worst. I’ve seen you when no one else wanted to see you. You do not want to see me. You don’t see my problems, my struggles, the things I have had to put up with to survive. Your life is rough, so is mine. Your life sucks right now. Mine does too.

 

 

 

 

 

Intimacy

December 22, 2017

Intimacy

You bitch! You are only with me when it’s convenient for you. You bitch! You don’t care about me! You only care about you. Get out! Take a walk! He went on and on while his listener sat near him with her heart broken to bits. He doesn’t mean it. He can’t be meaning it, she thought. This isn’t happening. If it is, it is not happening here, it is not  happening to us. His voice grew louder. She got up and walked away.