Down

What was she doing here in this hot weather? The day was hot and humid, yet going in and out of the subway would have been too expensive. Her chin hit the sidewalk. It happened almost without her realizing it. One minute she was up and the next down on the ground. Her whole body hurt but the chin got the worst of it. She hoped someone in the street full of people would offer to help her up. No one did. She struggled up again as best she could, picking up her purse. She shook her head and on she went. The day was too bright to think about heartlessness. She had to keep going.

Sleep

Sleep. A nice, peaceful sleep, please. She wished for that. Sleep that would make all the pain and stress of the previous days go away. Sleep that would put an end to trouble. She couldn’t read. She tried to read her book, but she fell asleep. Her eyes closed not once but 3 times. The subway jerked her body. She was grateful. She couldn’t miss her stop. Yes, the events of the days had not been “nice.” She had travelled from good or tolerable to not so good and barely tolerable. She had gone from feeling relatively at home in one place to high drama in the other, the one she had left for a few weeks. The tension was there, even when she distracted herself and turned on the radio or took a hot shower, it was there, hungry for her and willing to do her bad. Maybe tomorrow she’d feel better. Maybe. She hoped. She didn’t really trust that it would be so.

Violence Revised

Violence

Violent. His voice was violent, his words were to the point. “It’s time for me to go. What am I doing here? Tell me.” She couldn’t. She had no words for him, not in a taxi with the driver overhearing their conversation. “Open the window. “She didn’t want to. Her arms felt cold but when she looked at him she saw how distressed he was. His age was beginning to show; the lines around his mouth and eyes were more pronounced and his hair was greyer than one or 2 months ago. As always, her heart was sad for him. It kills me inside, she thought when she opened the window halfway. “How much farther, driver?” she asked. “10 minutes, miss.” To her, it might as well have been 20 years. Somehow, they reached her apt. She sighed as she paid the driver. Once inside, she would turn on the warm water and he’d take a long shower. She knew he’d sleep a long time, probably over 7 or 8 hours. Long enough to forget about real life, his real life. He’d be happy for a while.

Violence

Violent. The man’s voice was loud. It was too loud. He wanted to hear all that he had to say.In the taxi, the woman next to him shivered. “Open the window, “he told her. She wanted to cover her arms with something. Spring wasn’t spring this year. It seemed to take pleasure in ignoring her wishes for warmth and comfort. Her eyes looked at the man. Her hands pushed a button and the window was halfway down. I wish he wasn’t like this,” she thought. “It kills me inside to see his face when he is in distress.” She looked at the streets. Not much farther but she had to make sure. “About 10 minutes more, you’d say?” The driver nodded. “Yes, about that.” 10 minutes were like 20 years to her. Somehow they reached their destination. She paid the fare. “Please get out first;” She told the man. Once inside the apt. she turned on the shower. Soon he’d be sleeping. He’d be forgetting there was such a thing as real life. To him, it was better that way.

Unsettled

Everything was and was not. She felt that what she knew and observed need not exist the way they were, the way she felt them. It wasn’t right; nothing felt right. She thought about her life and the last few years–so much push up and push up effort, so much waiting! Those years would haunt her forever. She shivered when she remembered them. Where did all the effort go? She was strong; someone watching her carry heavy things told her: You are such a strong woman! She didn’t even look at him, and just kept walking. What was she waiting for? Whatever it was (she knew but she’d rather not know) it had never been hers. She would never get peace—or quiet. She dreamed of being a lady seating under a great big tree somewhere with soft grass all around the tree. In the dream she was reading a book, a classic book because those were the ones that she really enjoyed. Other types of books she sometimes tolerated but not often. She’d go somewhere; she was always going somewhere these days. Somewhere. She didn’t think there would ever be a right place for her. It didn’t exist. She thought she’d found it once, but it was all a beautiful lie, a wonderful illusion.

Purchase

Put things in the bag. Put things in the cart. Just dump things, food that is not actually needed or wanted. Tomato soup, crackers, avocado, salsa, chips. Put whatever, buy whatever just to show that it can be done, that there is money to buy things with.

Expression

She could not express her feelings. There was no way. She needed to express her feelings. She had to tell how she felt, what she was going through. Her throat swallowed hard. The frustration had to be dealt with. It could not wait; she was forced to wait; 12 hours until she could tell her story were agony to her.

What is this?

She didn’t know. She didn’t understand. All those words, all those harsh words that someone was saying now, right here and now. Had she heard them in the past? In the past of many years ago? She thought back. Yes, when she was a child, a small child. A little girl who wanted love and affection. Sometimes the harsh words made it difficult for her to believe that she would ever have love and affection and some understanding. The look on the face of the intimate person uttering the harsh words confused her. The look frightened her. She did not know where to hide, how to hide from it all. She didn’t deserve it—she didn’t deserve to feel the way the look made her feel. The little girl was a child—and children were supposed to play and have fun. How could she have fun if she had to think about harsh things? Then she was not a child—she was a grown-up hidden in a little girl’s body. And now, when all the many years had gone by and this other person was telling her that she was this and she was that—that hurt her as if she was back then in the past. Time hadn’t changed much. It hadn’t changed anything. The pain and the unfairness of the treatment were basically the same. A child had once suffered and now, in the present, the older woman was suffering.

Coins

A cold spring day, the Friday of the earthquake in NYC. After getting rid of some of the stress inside her, she decided to go back to “work”. She had to do it—there was never enough to eat, there was never enough of anything to take care of herself properly. She took up her seat by the curb of the wide street on the wide avenue. Her eyes watched the people, many of them with suitcases, going up and down, always up and down. A tourist gave her a dollar after she told him how to get to Grand Central Station. The rest of the people, not many of them, dropped coins and more coins into her yellow cup. “Isn’t this fun? Today seems to be Coin Friday,” she said to no one as she picked the coins up. She’d count them later, when she got to somewhere safe and quiet. After half an hour or so, she got up and walked towards the subway. Her day of “work” was done.

Taken

The man argued. He accused. He said this person, and that other person, was doing this and that to him. The man did not dare accuse himself. It was not his fault, nothing was his fault. His illness—that had been caused by someone else; it was never him. He was in danger of pushing people away, people who sincerely cared about him. They could shake their heads and turn away. Deep down, he realized this but he didn’t care at the moment. His body and his mind were taken up with the disease.

Forever

You will forever be. You are not gone. Your eyes have been my friends all these years. They have kept me company.  I see them before I fall asleep, looking at me with their sad expression. I know them to be my friends. I can never forget what we lived through together. It was too important, too dramatic. That was your life; what upset you, upset me as well. We will be walking together again.