What was she doing here in this hot weather? The day was hot and humid, yet going in and out of the subway would have been too expensive. Her chin hit the sidewalk. It happened almost without her realizing it. One minute she was up and the next down. Her whole body hurt but the chin got the worst of it. he hoped someone in the street full of people would offer to help her up. No one did. he struggled up again as best she could, picking up her purse. She shook her head and on she went. The day was too bright to think about heartlessness.
It was you. It was you all along. Years have gone by, more years than I dare count. Something reminds me of you. My heart whispers your name. It is the only name I care about. Yours is the only name that has ever counted. This amazes me. How can it be? How can feelings that were so alive long ago be alive still as if it was yesterday all over again?
The street is dark. It is still summer; the heat is nowhere near over. A woman and her dog walk together. They stop at a modest one-story house with a wire fence. “Can you tell what this is, Baby? It’s jasmine. This flower is jasmine.” A dog barks from inside the house. “Shush. Don’t make a fuss. It’s probably nobody,” a man says.
“It is somebody. It’s my dog and me.”
Stop! You are holding me by my feet. You are holding me hard. My feet hurt. I know you are taking me to die. I am aware of this. I don’t want to die. I don’t need this stress. What have I done to you that you should want to end my life? What are you going to do with my poor body after I’m gone? I want no part of it, none at all. I want to live and be free to run, to be around those like me.
No Use Again
How many times did I tell myself that I could do it? How often did I say that without you everything would be fine and good? I don’t know. I don’t remember anymore. I thought I would be over you by now. It’s been such a long time, so many years. The times with you were unique, one of a kind. I wouldn’t have missed them for anything. But later, later without your physical presence, that’s the hard part. I cannot make my life easier when there no you in it. It’s just not possible. I think about us in the past. I get the reminders, things that speak of you. That keeps me going. I still see the sadness in your eyes the day we said no more of this. I wish I could have taken the sadness away.
The Wheels, Part 2
The noise they made. It was like a dentist’s drill, sharp and unbearable to have to listen to. The physical strength to push the cart up and down the streets was amazing. Where did it come from? All the stuff she had piled up in the cart, the red cart first; then the black suitcase. The stuff just kept coming, free stuff, useful stuff. Some of the stuff let her fantasize. When she saw it, she pretended her life was different—different and better. She wasn’t out there anymore; she wasn’t getting caught in the rain most of the time.
It is no use. There is no getting over you. I thought I could. I did my best
. I tried to get over it and move on. Nothing worked. Your image was everywhere. No matter what I did, where I went, something about you always followed me.
I remember them, the wheels. I remember pushing the cart. The cart was heavy and it had big wheels. The cart made noise when I pushed it forward. My back would start to hurt. Sometimes it would start to rain; there was no place to hide. The wheels wanted to help me, but they couldn’t. We couldn’t get wet in the dark, at 2 or 3 in the morning.
I see them, those dogs running around behind the glass windows. I take their picture. I go back and take more pictures. It is you—it is you I am after. They are like you and I want a memory of them. It hurts me. I cannot live with them; I cannot live with them either. That is not possible. You are no longer part of this Earth.
Why? Why should I care if you get cold in this weather? Why should I care if you hide under somewhere dangerous or a wild animal destroys you during one of your outings? I don’t know. I want to protect you. Something in me could be similar to something in you. You are a risk taker; I am one too. You skirt danger, but you value good food and a roof over your head. You want to see what’s out there, how far you can go. You are a test your limits sort of guy. You and I have lived on the edge. We are hardy.
Please. PLEASE Don’t. I beg you. Don’t kill me. Don’t harm me. I want to live. I really want to live. I may not look like much, but I have feelings. I am alive. There are so many things I want to do. I am a sentient being. I notice things. I see what you do and when. I know why you do things. I want to live! I can’t repeat this often enough. I need another chance, more time here on Earth. When I get tired of living, I’ll let you know. For now, life matters to me. My life matters.