Down

July 22, 2014

What was she doing here in this hot weather? The day was hot and humid, yet going in and out of the subway would have been too expensive. Her chin hit the sidewalk. It happened almost without her realizing it. One minute she was up and the next down. Her whole body hurt but the chin got the worst of it. he hoped someone in the street full of people would offer to help her up. No one did. he struggled up again as best she could, picking up her purse. She shook her head and on she went. The day was too bright to think about heartlessness.

Day Old

July 26, 2017

Day Old

She squeezed all the breads. Some were hard, some were almost soft. 25% off, baked yesterday, the sign said. The hard breads she didn’t look at again. She’d have to go to the dentist if she tried to eat a slice. She smiled at the soft breads. I won’t feel too poor if I buy this one.  How many times have I had to pretend the thing I really wanted to buy was not there? It was too expensive; paying full price is something I can’t do anymore. I’ve had to cross the street in search of a bargain. I’ve done it too many times—there have been too many times of scrimping and saving. How tired am I of this! Will this go on forever?

 

 

 

Angry

July 10, 2017

Angry

You are angry. I am angry. You have your reasons to feel the way you feel; I have reasons to feel my pain. You should not have done and said what you did; I should not have reacted the way I did. But it’s done. Neither one of us want to be the first to apologize.  The days of using an old VCR rewinding tape are long gone. Now I understand how much I care about you. Before we parted, I knew I cared, but now the feeling is sharper, more intense than I thought it would be. Years ago, I never thought I would have this emotion again. I am bewildered and baffled by its bad timing. And you are totally wrong for me. Who will be with you at the end? Who will hold your hand when you are about to go forever? I wanted to be that person. I was there for you so many times! Right now I don’t think I will be able to say the final good-bye. I hate to think of you with strangers then. It hurts my soul.

 

 

Invisible

July 1, 2017

Invisible

I sit. I sit long and hard. Time goes by almost without my knowledge. I get caught up in what I am doing and I forget. I forget who and what I am. Hours go by. I am sitting. I still do what I love best. Being invisible this time is fine. It is totally fine.

 

 

 

Around

June 29, 2017

Around

You are not around, but you are in spite of my wishes. I don’t want to be where you were, where we used to be. It hurts. It hurts too much. I am reminded of other losses, other emotional pains. I cry. The tears just come down my face. I am bewildered. I am surprised. How could this have happened? I never wished for it. I never wanted to feel deeply again

The Brush

June 24, 2017

At first I didn’t feel it. Something touched me gently. It brushed up against me like a tender caress. I looked down. It was you–or the image of you. It was almost as if you had come back for me. My smile was genuine; it lit up my eyes. I said your name out loud. Oh, my dear! How much I have missed you! I care. I care deeply. If you had believed it, maybe you never would have left.

What?

June 13, 2017

What?

What have I done? How have I hurt you? You won’t tell me? You’d rather keep it a secret? You hurt me; you are a man, and I can’t expect you to admit it. Your pride would take a hit if you were honest with yourself.  The pain I feel over the loss of you will go away. Eventually I will feel nothing as opposed to now. Now I feel everything and it is a sharp feeling. It is so strong that it scares me. I don’t like my tears. I don’t know what to do with them. They are not going away anytime soon.

 

 

End of Story

June 10, 2017

I am heartbroken. I didn’t think it would end this way. You again said horrible things to me and I couldn’t put up with it anymore. I told someone in power, someone who could actually help me. They must have gone and talked to you.I hope they did and that now you have calmed down. I loved you. When you called me all those names I got a horrible pain in my gut. How could you do this to me? I thought. I don’t know. I want to be inside your brain, inside your heart, but that’s impossible. I regret that our relationship did not work. I cared about you, plain and simple. My pain will take a long time to go away. May you get the help you need. May you be able to go home someday soon. Goodbye.

The Name

June 7, 2017

I learned it. I repeated it over and over again. There was no way of getting enough of it. His name was like a drug I had to have or else I would explode. It was the only name that existed, that had ever existed. Walking down the street, going to buy groceries, watching TV somehow I would hear it and everything stopped. My body sensed an electric shock. I loved that man. I loved knowing he was near me, that I could see him anytime I wanted to. He belonged to me. He belonged to my heart.

 

Death Watch

June 6, 2017

Death Watch

Dying. That’s the word. The dreaded word I don’t want to think about. It’s you. You are dying. Your head. You keep your head down all the time now. You don’t want to look up. It’s not necessary anymore. Nothing interests you, not even the two items you used to live for. You are like a light that will no longer function. I watch you go and I want to stop you. I can’t. I know it’s useless. The pain inside you is too great. It’s taking over your being.

 

 

Care

June 4, 2017

I don’t care. I don’t care anymore. I did once, but now I don’t give a damn. I just don’t. He shrugged his shoulders and turned away from her. Swear words had come out of his mouth before, when he started talking to her and telling her how he felt.  Tears showered the woman’s face as she listened to him. Why? What happened to you? Why are you thrown out there like a garbage bag? I care about you. You have no idea how much I care and worry about you. Maybe that’s not enough. Maybe it’s too late for that. I don’t know what else to do. I am so sorry. If anybody doesn’t deserve to live out here, that an is you.