Down

July 22, 2014

What was she doing here in this hot weather? The day was hot and humid, yet going in and out of the subway would have been too expensive. Her chin hit the sidewalk. It happened almost without her realizing it. One minute she was up and the next down. Her whole body hurt but the chin got the worst of it. he hoped someone in the street full of people would offer to help her up. No one did. he struggled up again as best she could, picking up her purse. She shook her head and on she went. The day was too bright to think about heartlessness.

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Fitting In

February 16, 2018

Fit

You don’t fit in. You are no one; everybody thinks that you are nobody, nobody at all. The way you look is not the look they want. They want a different look, something that will be like them. You walk a certain way; you carry yourself a certain way. Your clothes are shabby; they dress with style. None of it is their way and never will be. You can’t pretend to be another type of person. You can’t back down. That will not work. You are out. You are definitely out. The photograph is taken without you.

 

 

In or out

February 12, 2018

In

To fit in—there is, there always has been, a need to belong somewhere, anywhere. An outsider, she is an outsider always with her nose stuck on the glass window. She looks at all the people who have made it, all the people who are in. They are part of a group and they have the badge to prove it. They have done something, whatever that something was, to make their selves known, to make themselves seen. How can she, this now older person, be herself when her real self is not accepted? She’s just not what is accepted; she’s not what the people want. Her eyes close; a minute or two of rest, of forgetting so she won’t have to think. She is no stranger to the harsh realities of life. Harsh realities have been her companions for a long time—more time than she cares to remember.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Beautiful Soul

February 6, 2018

Beautiful Soul

A beautiful soul—you once said I had a very beautiful soul. I thought you treasured that; I believed you’d take care of it, that you’d appreciate kindness and good will towards you. Your life before I met you must have been a rough one. You probably had to battle demons inside and out. Your battles with life must have stunned and shaken you. Many of them you could not shake off. Picking up your body and mind must have been a great effort. We met too late for you to change. All you can now do is to be lucid sometimes now and then. The rest of the time you are simply not there for anyone.

 

 

Always

January 30, 2018

Always

My darling, I am always with you. Wherever you are, wherever you go, there I am. Even if I haven’t seen you in many years, even if I know nothing about you, about your life, I am inside you.  I have cared for you for so long, I have wanted you. I cherish what we had—what we will always have. There is no power on Earth that can make me forget you. Nothing stands in the way of my genuine affection. My heart will always take care of you. It will protect you forever. It is the shield against danger that you need.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not

January 27, 2018

It is not. It is not enough. It can never be enough. The need for self expression, my self expression, is not recognized. It is not acknowledged or seen or taken into account. It is invisible, the words I write are invisible, with the audience for them non existent.

My Obscure published Novel

January 25, 2018

Heart and Soul

It is my heart. It is my soul, my best and truest soul. Every word, every sentence in it has my dreams, my hopes, my inner being. It is me. It is the person that I was. It is the naïve and believing young woman of years long gone. It is the young woman that life had not made hard and often bitter. My heart and soul are in an obscure novel, a published novel no one has ever heard of. Its title is Different Flags. The place and the two people that I loved and have never forgotten are in that book. They will always live even though they are no longer alive.

 

 

Many Things

January 21, 2018

Many Things
I have done many things. I have been to many places, seen things I wished I hadn’t and things I wish I could have kept forever. I have been good but I also have been normal. I am flesh and blood; I feel deeply. That has often been my downfall. I care and when I care I care too much. I want to keep those I love forever. It isn’t often possible and when they’re gone, I can’t understand why. I don’t know where to turn, who to seek. My heart wanders in the deep snow of a New York winter. I am done when I cry. I fall apart.

The Tea

January 14, 2018

The Tea

By the kitchen counter—she sits next to the kitchen counter. It is warm there. The steaming cup of tea helps her forget the wind outside and the cold numbing her not young anymore hands. It is one of the best times she’s ever had—with a book, her animal companions and the tea. Harsh life is gone for a few minutes; pinching pennies and not having enough money—none of that exists. The tea works its magic. She is a young and lovely woman again. She is her real self.

 

Your Strawberries

January 10, 2018

Strawberries

I remember everything about that morning—the morning of your death. You loved strawberries but I couldn’t give you any. You used to look up at me when I ate strawberries and you would have stolen one or two if I had let you. I remember the man taking you up and putting you on his shoulder. They had just given you something, a sedative, so you wouldn’t feel anything. I remember the man placing you beside him in the dog pound van. I followed you in a taxi because I was not allowed in the van with you and the man. The taxi driver was a rough and tumble kind of guy, not the person I could confide in. He would not have understood how unhappy I was and that losing you was the last thing I wanted. I saw you on the floor of the dog pound when they gave you first one, then 2 injections to make you die. I did not want you to die, but you were so ill! You would not have lasted much longer. You would have been an unhappy German shepherd with no working legs. Our walks would have been a thing of the past. I have never forgotten you. I can never forget you. I know you have all the strawberries you want up in Dog Heaven.

 

Don’t Know

January 10, 2018

Don’t Know

You don’t. You don’t know. It is insecurity—it is more than insecurity, more than looking up in the dark at the lights shining inside an apt. or house. It is being hurt over and over again and not knowing what will happen next. It is expecting the worst from life in spite of all the good wishes of this or that person. Homelessness—homelessness does that to a person. It rips the person apart, makes the person feel devastated and terribly alone in a snowstorm.